I See Dead People

I see dead people.

Janie loved the movie “The Sixth Sense” but never thought she would be using that line for real. She didn’t see dead people the way Cole, the young boy in the movie, did. He saw ghosts. She saw dead people in her dreams.

It started happening more frequently a few years ago. Her mother appeared more often than anyone else. Sometimes her father would show up, or her grandmother, or her favorite aunts. Her dog even made an appearance once shortly after she died.

Don’t say dogs don’t count. For Janie, her beloved Bella did count. Janie was having a hard time dealing with Bella’s death when, one night, the 10-year-old beagle whose legs gave out on her turned up in Janie’s dream running through the woods, only stopping to chomp on blackberries right from the bush. Bella would run until Janie couldn’t see her anymore, then run back, nuzzle Janie’s hand, turn around and run away again. This happened several times in the dream. Then, on one return trip to Janie, Bella stopped, looked up at her and said, “Mommy don’t worry. I’m happy and fine.” Janie woke up happy, fine and smiling.

When she really started noticing it was after a favorite uncle died, two years minus one day after her mom passed away. The night before the wake she dreamed her mom and aunt – her uncle’s sister and wife – were getting ready to welcome him into heaven and were giving instructions to everyone to make sure it was all perfect.

The dream was so real, she remembered thinking, just like the one with Bella.

Not long after that, she had a dream about her cousin who had passed away several years earlier. When she woke up she knew he had asked her to do something but she couldn’t figure out what it was. She thought, perhaps, going to the cemetery and standing at his gravesite would help her figure it out. When she got there she saw that his marker, which was on the ground with no headstone above it, was covered with grass clippings and unreadable. As soon as she brushed off the clippings and made his name visible again, a feeling of relief washed over her.

She got into her car and, even before driving out of the cemetery, googled “dreaming of dead people.” One of the results said, “Some people believe that dreams can serve as a bridge between the living and the spiritual realm. In this view, seeing a deceased person alive might be a message or a sign from them. They might be trying to convey reassurance, offer guidance, or even warn you about something.”

She wanted to believe that, but was skeptical. How do these so-called dream researchers know any of their findings are correct, she wondered.

After Joe died of cancer, she wanted to believe it more than anything she wanted to believe in her entire life.

Janie also believed Joe was the love of her life, although they never made it out of the friend zone in the more than 20 years they had known each other. They laughed together and cried together over drinks more times than she could count. They took long walks together when neither of them said a word. After he got sick, they spent days in local parks enjoying nature and, sometimes, her reading to him from an Edgar Allan Poe anthology, or something else they both enjoyed. They also talked about going to Paris together, although they both knew it would never happen.

His obituary appeared online several hours after he died. His family knew his death was imminent, so they were ready. Janie thought she was, too, until she saw it in print. But right after she read it for the second time, she looked out her office window and saw a break in the clouds in the shape of a heart. She wanted to believe that was a message from Joe.

The day after his funeral Janie decided she needed to take a walk at one of their favorite places. On the trail, she saw a tree whose bark had peeled in the shape of a heart. She had never noticed it before and wanted to believe it was another sign from Joe. A week later, she walked on another favorite trail of theirs and, again, saw a tree whose bark had peeled in the shape of a heart. She immediately started crying but couldn’t even tell if she was happy or sad.

Of course she was sad because he couldn’t physically be with her anymore, but she was happy – close to elated – that he was sending her messages.

That night, the dreams started. She and Joe were at his house talking, laughing, drinking wine. It was pleasant and comfortable, and she woke up smiling and content.

A few days later, they were at a party. While everyone else was loudly interacting, they sat in a corner quietly talking. Again, she woke up smiling and content.

Dream after dream after dream followed for the next several months. Janie dreamed of Joe two or three times a week and each dream left her smiling and content and more in love with him than she was when he was alive.

She dedicated one wall in her bedroom to pictures she took during their visits to one particular park that had special meaning for them. She printed out a verse of Bruce Springsteen’s “Thunder Road.”

“So you're scared, and you're thinking
That maybe we ain't that young anymore.
Show a little faith, there's magic in the night
You ain't a beauty, but, hey, you're alright
Oh, and that's alright with me.”

So much of their relationship could be explained in that one verse, especially when paired with the F. Scott Fitzgerald quote he printed and framed for her after she told him she believed men didn’t find her attractive:

“She was beautiful, but not like those girls in magazines. She was beautiful, for the way she thought. She was beautiful, for the sparkle in her eyes when she talked about something she loved. She was beautiful, for her ability to make other people smile, even if she was sad. No, she wasn't beautiful for something as temporary as her looks. She was beautiful, deep down to her soul. She is beautiful.”

The card that came with the gift said, “You are beautiful in every way. J”

Also during “Thunder Road,” they never discussed it but shared meaningful glances everytime Bruce sang, “I know you're lonely for words that I ain't spoken.”

At least he knew how she felt, she always thought, adding that just because he hadn’t said it doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel it.

Now, with all the dreams and the signs – no more tree hearts but lots of cloud hearts – she was certain he felt the same way and wanted her to know it.

She couldn’t wait to get home from work, eat dinner and go to bed. The sooner she fell asleep, the sooner she would see Joe again. Maybe.

Janie started buying more throw pillows for her bed as a form of nesting, although she told herself it was just for fun and variety. She rarely spent any time in her living room anymore, and she only spent time in her kitchen when necessary.

As the dreams kept coming, she kept up her routine and continued feeling content. She didn’t care that, aside from work, for all intents and purposes, she had no life outside of her apartment. She didn’t want one. All she wanted was Joe.

But then the dreams slowed down. Instead of two or three times a week, she only had the dreams two or three times a month. She started feeling depressed and irritable but rather than stop obsessing over the dreams, she started sleeping more. She stayed in bed for most of the day on Saturday and Sunday while still going to bed right after dinner on weeknights. She didn’t even go for walks anymore in the hopes of seeing a tree heart.

She woke up one Sunday morning and almost immediately started crying. It had now been eight nights since Joe came to her in a dream. It felt as if he died all over again.

She tried to get back to sleep and, when she couldn’t, took a dose of Nyquil even though she wasn’t sick. She knew it would put her to sleep, though, and that was what she wanted. It was what she thought she needed.

When Janie woke up the next morning, having not dreamed of Joe, she went back to the website she found about dreaming of people who had died hoping to discover what the meaning was behind not having the dreams anymore.

Before she came across that information she saw this: Seek Professional Help: If the dream leads to overwhelming emotions or disrupts your daily life, consider seeking therapy or counseling.

She felt as if a jolt of electricity went through her body and also that her eyes, figuratively, opened and she could clearly see what she had been doing.

She wouldn’t need to seek professional help, though. She was going to put her life back on track and she  knew she could do it on her own.

When Janie woke up the next morning smiling and content she knew she had made the right choice. In her dream, she and Joe were sitting on a couch, cozy in front of a fireplace. He had his arm around her and he said, “You’re right. You can do it on your own. And you will.”

 Inspiration: Listening to Steven Weber read Stephen King’s “It” when one of the characters saw a dead person, and my own frequent dreams of people who have passed.